He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
