Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
