Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
