im drinking this country out of the recession.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
