Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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