You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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