I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
