am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
