he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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