i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
