How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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