I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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