So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
