all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
