There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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