he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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