Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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