Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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