Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
