i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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