one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
is wine microwaveable?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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