This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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