I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
