I'm so fucking centered right now
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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