We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
