this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
