Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
