In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
