Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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