maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
