There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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