She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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