Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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