I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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