You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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