Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
