Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
