The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
