My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
