By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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