I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
