Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
