Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
