I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
