i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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