I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Panties = found
Randomize
