I met the friendliest cop last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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