there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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