I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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