so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
