dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize