I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
