how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
