dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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