There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
