I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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