She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
