Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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