Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
