Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
