I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
