Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize