I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
